Pomegranates, a longstanding symbol of fertility, serve as a strong analogy to those suffering through infertility. Though each pomegranate skin is unique in colour and texture, the seeds inside are remarkably similar from fruit to fruit. Though our diagnosis is unique—endometriosis, low sperm count, luteal phase defect, or causes unknown—the emotions, those seeds on the inside, are the same from person to person. Infertility creates frustration, anger, depression, guilt, and loneliness. Compounding these emotions is the shame that drives people suffering from infertility to retreat into silence.
In addition, the seeds represent the multitude of ways one can build their family: natural conception, treatments, adoption, third-party reproduction, or even choosing to live child-free.
http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2006/09/history-of-infertilitys-common-thread.html.
Now that I have my precious miracle baby, Samuel, all the feelings of frustration, anger, depression, guilt and loneliness have disappeared. He has filled a place in my heart with great joy where for many years these emotions reigned. However, I will NEVER forget the feelings I have had over the past four years. I often think about people who are still waiting for their miracle- the people who are feeling all of those emotions now. I am glad that I openly talked about my feelings with those who surrounded me. I could not have managed to keep all of my feelings inside. Sometimes the hurt seemed so deep that I would refuse to be comforted. I am so thankful for an understanding husband, family and friends who stuck with me when it would have been so easy to walk away. I am so thankful for the people who shared their infertility experiences with me and offered hope when I did not see how God would make a way. Most of all, I am so thankful for a wonderful Savior who knows all things. He sees the future as if it were today. He held on to me when I could not hold on to him. He brought me my miracle in his perfect time. He has given me "...the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness" Isaiah 61:3.
I never thought I could ever say this but I am thankful for infertility- Without it I would not have my son.
Beth- I just told someone tonight the exact words you have said here. That you are a different person. The grief, sadness, and heartache you had for so long, the Lord took away through Samuel. I know what you mean, as hard and low as situations can be (though different), deep down I'm thankful for those "wilderness experiences", and I'm thankful for Samuel!
ReplyDeleteRobin
Reading this post reminded me of a Hallmark card I have, which has these words:
ReplyDelete"Seems like only yesterday things looked like they'd never change... and now you're faced with incredible new beginnings.
Life's turnarounds can be extraordinary.
You may never completely forget the past,
but it's nice to look back on it
from the comfort of a new today."
So thankful for your miracle! =)
I am at school. Just sat down to check my email, zone a minute....look at your blog and now I am in tears. I know EXACTLY what you mean. I hate to say, I told you so, but I told you so:)
ReplyDeleteI could repeat your blog word for word almost. It is very well put:)
And he is SO cute:)
Billie
Such a wonderful post, Beth! I'm so happy for you & Justin and for your little miracle, Samuel!
ReplyDeleteEmi